07: Raw Fear Moves Me (A Startling Truth)
Set photo from a 2007 music video shoot during my time as lead vocalist of the screamo band, Palsy Politics. Video unavailable online, or anywhere else.
Logan here.
Horror movies. True crime. Being buried alive. Cults. Public speaking. Large birds. Total sensory deprivation.
You may have guessed that the above list is made up of (a few) things that scare me. Maybe you’re able to identify something there that you find scary as well. If not, you’re either incredibly tough or some level of crazy. Either way, I’m glad you’re here! Welcome to the October 2025 issue of Writer on Wheels, in which I’ll let you in on some startling reality. Don’t worry, there’s plenty of joy and hope to be had by the end of our time together, but fear is this month’s topic. It is Halloween season, after all!
One of my favorite bands, twenty one pilots, recently released a song in which frontman Tyler Joseph sings, “raw fear moves me.” The track is about fear and anxiety being a conduit to growth, which I’ll get to, but I also chose it as my title because, as you’ll see in this post, raw fear literally moves me. When you experience fear, what does it feel like? How do your body and mind respond to whatever’s frightening you? Many of you are aware that I get startled pretty often. When that happens, in those brief few seconds of reaction time, a jolt goes through me and I “jump.” My body (already tight because of my cerebral palsy) gets tighter, my knees come up towards me, and my heartbeat quickens. Typical loud noises like slamming doors, thunder, explosions and gunshots in movies are common triggers. At this point, you may be thinking, Ok, you’re jumpy, so what? and that is a totally valid thought. I also am famous for jumping at the most non-scary, harmless things. Anything sudden, anything unexpected, like someone coming up from behind me to say hello, or even when someone begins to speak after moments of silence, The Jump™ can occur. Depending on the level of noise and surprise, the severity of my reaction may vary from a small startle to a Big Jump™, and sometimes people may not notice it, but it is certainly there.
This startle reflex of mine has existed for as long as I can remember, and I’ve got a complicated relationship with it. People are often genuinely apologetic upon triggering it, because they had no intentions of startling me. After all, they’re just walking up to say hello or ask me something. I typically play it off, assuring them that it happens all the time, my way of diverting attention away from myself and not making a big to-do of it. 99.9% of the time, it’s purely accidental. Yet, I wish it didn’t exist. I wish I didn’t have to wonder if I’ll ever be able to drive for fear of being startled by any sound or sudden element of traffic. I wish it wasn’t so painful when my knees hit the underside of a table or desk because I got spooked by a knock on the door. I wish I didn’t have to brace myself, just because I can sense an explosion coming in the next scene of a movie. From an emotional standpoint, it’s embarrassing to react in such a visceral way, interrupting rhythms of conversation or whatever task is at hand, drawing attention to myself, even eliciting a confused startle or laughs from others. With The Jump™ comes awkwardness, shame and frustration.
For much of my early life, I understood this reflex as simply a weird quirk I had to deal with. However, as I’ve lived life with other individuals affected by cerebral palsy, I’ve seen various levels of the startle in them, too. In fact, as I prepared for this post, I did a little digging and found that my “quirk” is a manifestation of the Moro reflex. Babies typically overcome this after 6 months, but sometimes it doesn’t go away, as is the case for many with CP [see citation below]. I’ve learned that no two experiences of CP are exactly alike, but there is common ground. In this case, that common ground is The Jump™. Though realizing I’m not alone is reassurance, it doesn’t take away the frustration. I can’t help my startle. I can’t explain why some things set it off and others don’t. Much of it remains a neurological mystery that neither me, my family, nor my therapists can nail down.
As I mentioned before, I have complex feelings about this aspect of my condition, which I’ve never written on in detail, so nuance is necessary. As I was thinking of the spiritual connections I could draw between Scripture and The Jump™, that need for nuance became really apparent. I was drawn to verses like 2 Timothy 1:7:
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.
and 1 John 4:18:
There is no fear in love; instead, perfect love drives out fear, because fear involves punishment. So the one who fears has not reached perfection in love.
Those are 100% beautiful truths speaking to the boldness and peace that stems from the loving relationship Christ offers to those who will follow after Him. Even so, here’s what I don’t want you to take away from this post, dear reader: I don’t believe that God is telling me or anyone who might struggle similarly that we should just stop getting startled. Like I said, it’s rather uncontrollable and I’ve dealt with it pretty much forever. So, perhaps we can look at The Jump™ as another mysterious component of the Master’s creation, proving that I too, am “fearfully and wonderfully made,” through and through, as are you! What I can strive to grow in is fighting the fear of judgment and shame surrounding the startle. If we’re walking with Jesus, we’re covered in His perfect love. There’s nothing to be ashamed of! Please, dear reader, don’t guilt yourself if you’ve ever joked about my startle, laughed when you’ve seen me jump, or startled me for fun. I’m sure it’s an unusual thing to observe. If it gave us something to talk about, laugh about, or it made you feel a little more comfortable around a guy with a disability, I’d call that a win.
Raw fear moves me through physical, involuntary response. However, I’m also seeing myself move towards understanding what really scares me. Easier said then lived out, sure, but blogging about it is a step in the right direction, I think!
[1] University of California San Francisco Benioff Children’s Hospitals. (n.d.). Cerebral palsy and spasticity. Retrieved October 19, 2025, from https://www.ucsfbenioffchildrens.org/conditions/cerebral-palsy-and-spasticity